Got a regret? Everyone has done things they wished they hadn't. Sometimes we can pass them off as youthful exuberance, sometimes not. Regret sounds like something bad, but it doesn't need to be if handled properly.
Regret is really just an unpleasant memory of an action you took. It's unpleasant because of the consequences and the associated negative emotion. It should be a learning experience, something you didn't do again. But those strong negative emotions keep the memory alive and coming back for more.
To keep churning over unpleasant memories of the past is known as rumination, from the Latin ruminatio, which means chewing the cud. In the same way as ruminant animals such as cows bring up food from their stomachs to chew again, so we bring up thoughts from our memories to chew over again. Ruminating is good for cows, bad for us.
Churning over bad memories isn't just a waste of time, it reinforces the memory and makes us feel lousy. By repeatedly recalling the memory, it can become an unhealthy guiding force in your life. If Anakin Skywalker could have gotten over his regret for failing to save his mother, he might not have become Darth Vader.
The Concept
It doesn't need to be like this. To learn from our experiences, we don't just need to remember, we also need to forget. Intentional forgetting is how we can drop unhealthy memories which have long outserved their purpose. We remember things because we keep recalling them, and so by finding ways to stop recalling them, we can simply learn their lessons and then let them go.
The Research
Research shows that while the passage of time is an excellent eraser of memories, we can aid the process more deliberately. In one experiment(1), people were shown items and told after each whether they needed to remember or forget it. In a test on how well they remembered all the items, they had successfully forgotten more of the items they should have done.
In another experiment(2), people who were told to forget what happened in their lives during the first week of two-week study remembered less about that week than another group who weren't told to forget. This was true no matter the experiences were positive or negative, or even if a memorable holiday in the form of Valentine's Day fell during the forgettable week.
The Details
Being deliberate about what you remember and forget doesn't need to be hard. Here are three techniques you can employ, rising in level of difficulty.
Distract: This requires awareness of when you've started ruminated, and the earlier the better. As soon as you notice you're thinking about the regret, direct your attention elsewhere. Whatever it takes. Maybe just watching cat videos on the internet for 5 minutes will do, or perhaps giving someone a call.
Reframe: Memories are really just thoughts, and you can do what you like with thoughts. For example, you can take your negative memory and start to think about what good it has done you, and other times you've been successful. This can take the sting out of it and let you see the memory in a different light.
Confront: Sit down with a pen and piece of paper and write down exactly what happened, what you did and why you regret it. Then write down what you might have done differently, and what you've learnt from the experience that you can apply to the future. At the bottom write: "I accept what's happened and I can make decisions only about the future." Read through everything again, adding anything you missed. The throw the piece of paper away and move on.
The Benefits
When you pay attention to your thoughts, you come to realise that many of the things you think about are a waste of time, or worse. We replay the times we've been cut off when driving, or how a frustrating encounter with a colleague could have been handled differently. Just because your idling mind drags something out of your memory doesn't make it useful.
By deliberately forgetting these episodes in your life, you'll find it much easier to focus on applying your learnings to achieving more in the future, and enjoying it.
(1) MacLeod, C. M. (1975). "Long-term recognition and recall following directed forgetting". Journal of Experimental Psychology: Human Learning and Memory. 1 (3): 271–279.
(2) Joslyn SL, Oakes MA. Directed forgetting of autobiographical events. Mem Cognit. 2005 Jun;33(4):577-87. doi: 10.3758/bf03195325. PMID: 16248323.
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